I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
