I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
