I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is that strawberry winking at me??
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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