I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
