Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize