Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
