if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
