You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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