Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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