Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
