your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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