no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
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the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
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Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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