So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
