I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
