I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
