He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
