mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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