I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
