i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
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I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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