I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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