cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
