I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
