Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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