Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
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I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
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It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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