im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
