if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
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he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
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We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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