Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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