Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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