guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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