They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
