I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
