Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
