i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
