Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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