My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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