I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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