Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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