Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
