you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
