My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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