mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
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She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
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She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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