Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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