I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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