My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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