Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
