I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Pants are for mortals
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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