i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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