Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
