I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
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Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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