dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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