cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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