just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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