Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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