maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
why do cheetos always look like penises
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
