Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
