I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
This baby is an asshole
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
