Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
