I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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