I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
