I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
MIDGETS
????
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
